smugjet

from the very first time ive met you i know from that day on you are mine and if i ignore you for just a sec itll take my breath away.

were happy.

we do both loved each other.

i do want to gave you everything. happiness, love, life, security and myself.

as the days passed by you've changed, you're becoming more obssesive but honestly i felt good everytime you just want me to stay with you just talked about anything from politics, music, sensual and silly things until the wee hours of the morning.

then i started to get bored, but still hanging on. coz evrytime i felt i wanna end us and leave you the thought of you crying or sad makes me feel like something is squeezin my heart out of my chest.

i flew away. i pushed you out to your limit but still you aretryin to fix everything.

then bit by bit i learned to ignored you.

i knew you waited.

i come and go.

you'd patiently waited for me.

but you got tired.

you tried to forget me.

you succeed.

you're happy now with someone else. i know i should be happy for you, you've moved on.

but why am i like this.

i feel like im twisted.

jealous.

weeping.

my mind keeps on sayin forget her, you stupid asshole its your fault you deserve it.

yeah i think so.. i deserve this.

i really do miss you.

i miss you

smugjet

i went to my office late, the secretary told me welcome back.. i jsut smiled and said to myself yeah im back. so back...

at lunch time i was sitting at the bench at seafront, my benchmate  an old lady.. told me, her garden that she ignored for a long time because she was sick is starting to come back and she just watered it. hmmm.. i just hope my life is like that garden that when i give water it will come back to its lively stage. leaves will sprout flowers will bloom, trees will bear fruits and everything will be lovely and colourful again.

i talked to a psychologist friend she told me i;m feeling like this because i was defeated.

am i?

i dont know.

the sun is up the sky is blue and my life is bluer than deepest shade of blue.

i'ma go now.

work time again its just quarter to two.. i still have 3 hours to finish my paper works.

until later.

smugjet

i cant wait for the day that i can say all this to her again.. that she is beautiful, wonderful, special and she is mine.

BUT..

why do i let those things happened and now i'm making myself miserable and jealous.

what if she doesnt feel the same way as before.

what if she really loves him

why am i like this.

but whatever might be the outcome of her decision i must accept it.

lucky him.

f*ck it.

smugjet

its already 4am and i still cant sleep.

my mind has a thousand things in it that keeps on making me sad.

shes really making it hard for me.. i can understand coz its my fault but thats just adding to my paranoia at this time.

she changed alot.

im wondering what does that other guy look like.. obviously he just wanted to score and took advantage of her but of course i cannot say that to her  coz i can feel she loves him now more than she loves me.

and now im at the losing end.

i need miracles to turn bck time to make everything alright while he..that one lucky java man just need to be with her and leave the other one and their ok.

and its suck to be in this situation.

i envy him.

and now i need to buy back some confidence.

fck.

smugjet

i dont know, we're ok now but still i can feel the difference in her.

she had totally completely changed, and i dont know if im gonaa be happy with that but thats ok with me as long as were together. if she change her mind and realize she really doesnt like this cguro it's still ok, that'll hurt me big time but i cannot do anything. even if she mean the whole world to me even if that'll make me a stupid for letting her go for her to be happy.

yesterday i was so hyper and trying to make her laugh and all thaat, i tried to be like her clown, but still.. i know deep insde me shes not so in to me now.probly still thinking of thaat guy, shes tired,  not feeling well.. i really dont know.

i learned a new word yesterday and its manafx pronounce as manafsh, its a maltese word for i dont know.

hoow i wish i know everything maybe that way im not guessing when it comes to her real feelings.

its half past 8 in the morning here, i hope my day will b alright. i need to buy some board shorts but i dont feel like going out.

smugjet

I STILL CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

i fckng seriously need help. i do.

smugjet

Its very windy tonight..  I can smell the breeze of the sea outside my window.  People outside the street  are all busy roaming around the shops and restaurants nearby. The neon sign of the ice cream parlor looks blurd as the strong wind of the Mediterranean sea approachd.
Its been a week and I’m still the same awful emo you can ever see.  Even though I don’t consider myself as an emo all my friends keep on saying man don’t be so emo or you are so emo quit it.
I want to get over this feeling but I cant help it .
Coz the only person that can  save me from this curse is on holiday in the middle of far far away trance, shes busy  and confused  to ever think of me wanting her just  to even  look at my side.
I must try to get over this.
I so fckng hate it.
I’m crazy over her.
I don’t exactly know what happened to me.
Damn.

smugjet

i thank you

bow

smugjet

“If you can't ignore an insult, top it; if you can't top it, laugh it off; and if you can't laugh it off, it's probably deserved.”

 J. Russell Lynes quotes (American Writer, b.1910)

yeah, i deserved it.